Have you ever looked in the mirror and stared at your face, remembering the days you were 18, wondering how you got to this place.

Recognizing every line and freckle, giving way to memories of pain and joy. Respectfully allowing time to be the dictator of your great void.

No longer a question of how, but perhaps many a "why". Moving forward is a must, forced by all the lies.

It wasn’t suppose to happen this way, my fairytale has come to an end. And I am left to question if it is caused by my sin.

So tonight the mirror speaks truth, telling me tales of the life I have lived. Bringing reality to all that is now and all that has been.

Is there life after death, I must die first to know. Is this game we call life all just a big show?

Strip down to transparency, the raw and unseen then I will believe. Until then let me live with my reflection and all its mystery.

Your answers mean nothing.

posted by melody 9:18:00 PM

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There are some days that I drive for so long that eventually it is as if I am hypnotized, memorized by every dot that passes. I drive for hours not even realizing how I got from point “A” to Point “B”. Soon my eyes grow weary and I find myself wanting to fall asleep. The temptation is so great that I will even take a moment to close my eyes and feel the relief. At this point I usually will adjust the air, shake my head as if to try and jolt myself awake. I take a few Excedrin, drink my Starbucks coffee and pray I can keep my eyes open just long enough for the drug to kick in.

Yesterday… had I been driving… I would have kept my eyes closed.

I am currently at the end of my first “alone” time with out my five beautiful children. These two weeks have been a roller coaster to say the least. Phone calls from kids wanting to come home, phone calls from kids wanting to stay longer, phone calls because Dad wont let them watch a certain movie, phone calls because Dad is kissing the new girlfriend he said he never had. Every phone call brings a challenge. Literally there were times where they would call me at work wanting me to come get them and I would run into my friends office and say… “What do I say?” To which my friend would calm me down and say, “well, ask why?” This would seem like a logical place to start, right? Well, the mommy’s heart does not always think with logic. The mommy’s heart wants to rush off and drive 8 hours to pick up my son. A son who is crying in my ear saying he wants to come home right now. Only to find out, his reason for this is, he was not allowed to do something he would not have been allowed to do even at my own house. Case closed… my son stays… and I don’t ride off on my white horse to rescue him and enable his rebellion…whew! Ahhh… the fine balance of teaching morals in the midst of immorality. Yeah, you give it a whirl… it sucks!

So for the sweet readers who only understand literal and missed my meager attempt at symbolism…put the phone down, no need to call the local hospital and order me to a straight jacket. Keep in mind, today is a new day, I did drive… and I decided to keep my eyes open.

~God my Father, my friend, my comfort... help me continue to want to keep my eyes open, even when I am too tired to see straight

posted by melody 7:49:00 PM

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I have recently dropped off my kids for their visit with Dad. The grieving has begun and I am thankful. I believe I have felt grief on and off for the past almost year... but here I sit, alone for the first time in 13 years. I was going to go out with friends, then decided I wanted to do something I don't think I have done since I was 18... lay in bed for two days straight. It feels good to not do anything; it feels good to feel this pain and to reflect on the many different events of my life. Some days you just put yourself on auto-pilot and go... in this moment I have chose to slow down long enough to feel...and I am thankful for the weight that is on my heart.


Let me sit in these ashes
Let me tear off my clothes
Let me sit before you naked
Everything exposed
Let me question my God
Without you questioning me
Let time be my healer
Don’t try to rescue me

Let me see my failures
Let me feel this pain
Let me walk the tightrope
Fighting to stay sane
Let me hear the voices
Battling for my mind
Let me rise up from these ashes
Purified

posted by melody 12:28:00 PM

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Sliding, sliding deep into my hole
Wondering if you will come
and finally take control

Is that sin, creeping over me?
Is my callused heart making me feel free?
Or is it religion that has bound me so tight
Where death is the beginning to bringing me life

Where living and dying finally collide
A realm I remember well
Where jumping the ledge can make you fly
This gift of pain inside my shell

I want to feel, I want to know, I want nothing to pass me by
I want to sit here all alone; I want to hear me cry
I need to touch the place unknown,
A place of privileged grief.
I want to stop and breathe it in.. as they turn and finally leave.

posted by melody 6:22:00 PM

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Well, I am feeling good, so I thought I better blog while the moment is here. The roller coaster ride, from the events of this week, has been more than I expected. But now, with a little turkey in my stomach, that my sweet daughter baked, basted with olive oil, garlic and basil… (A staple for just about everything)… I am feeling pretty good. A lot of my blogs are birthed from sadness and a desire to just release, so at times I think it may appear I need Prozac, (not saying I don’t). So tonight, I attempt to type out a blog expressing that I am feeling pretty damn good.

I went to a movie with my sweet friends, their six kids, plus my five and I think we all agreed it was in the top 10 of all time worst movie nights. We bounced from Rugrats, to Kelly and Justin (stupid teen movie) and of course The Hulk, (which was very scary for younger ones). Yet in the end, amidst the chaos I had a GREAT time! To be with my friends, to laugh at ourselves and our crazy life, to chat in the car for an hour of things only mothers of HUGE families (they seem huge anyway) could possibly understand was such a joy to me. I left so thankful for what God has done. I often talk about God my provider, my husband… but last night I saw God my friend.

What a gift to be surrounded with friendships that are such rare treasures. My running and hiding, my duck and cover lifestyle, almost kept me in a box without friendship entirely. But thank God he removed me from my life of false protection and laid me bare, naked before people who could handle seeing me in such a state. Where would I be without my friends and family? I suppose still hiding? Still covering? Still alone…

And by the way… speaking of friends Eric makes a killer latte’… and this morning I walked in the office with my eyes puffy and zero energy and he whipped me and Kris some sort of triple vanilla latte' lager, as I like to refer to it, and I have been buzzin’ ever since. Now that’s a friend!

~~Thank you for my friends~~

posted by melody 5:28:00 PM

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OHHH, the power of grief... My sweet son has just started to “manifest”. At first it was all about not being able to visit a friend. I had put him in time-out and he was not thrilled with this so he decided to kick, punch and throw things. Then suddenly he burst into the most heart wrenching sobs I have ever heard come from my little boy. “Mommy, I don’t want to leave you, I don’t want to leave you”. I just held him and cried and cried with him. I know it is not the leaving that is breaking his heart, it is the reality that Mommy and Daddy no longer live together and that his family is broken.

I believe sometimes I type these things out in hopes that someone who has a decent marriage but struggling, and thinks divorce is the way, might stumble across this page and reconsider. Divorce really really sucks! And yes, God has been gracious in my life and he has provided in ways that I never dreamed possible. But I sit here tonight physically ill, ready to “toss-my-cookies” because I feel the deep pain of my children. There is a reason God hates divorce… and it is not just some religious reason. All boundaries are for our own protection, not just to ruin our fun.

I see marriages around me that are good and at time perhaps even great and I am jealous in the most beautiful way possible. How I desired this for myself… how I now desire this for my children.

~God, my Father, give to my children what has been a loss for me. May they have the love of their youth till the day they die. May they know true love. May their spouse be a reflection of you~

posted by melody 5:36:00 PM

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WoW!! It has hit… loneliness has found its way to my heart today. I was actually doing fine. But two days ago, after I returned from Klamath Falls, Haven crawled in my lap for her morning cuddle. I felt it… the void. In just a matter of days my children will be gone. Not because I choose them to go, it is not some fun “see ya in a few weeks kids” as they traipse off to camp or a summer with Grandma. It is a visit of division. I am sure they will have fun and I pray they do. But it is the reality that I will be alone that is hitting me. I am actually typing this dripping wet because I was soaking in my tub, relaxing and there it came again… the wave of loneliness. I sat, crying in my bathtub, ( I have done this a lot through my divorce. It seems the bathtub is a great place to cry). And I decided to journal some thoughts to settle my tears.

I just, and I do mean just dropped off my son for his three-week stay in Klamath. The first week is with a friend camping and then he will be joined with his siblings to visit with their Dad for a couple of weeks. Then home for a week or two, then back to their Dads for four more weeks. I have to drive the kids half way, which is 3 ½ hours. I think what really really SUCKS about all this is… this is not my childhood fantasy! I did not picture myself divorced driving my kids to visit an ex-husband. I pictured, me married to my childhood sweetheart till I was dead! I pictured Christmases with all the grandkids with the man I loved from the beginning with the family we created together. I will never have this! I may remarry, but it will not be the same. It will be my children… his children… ex-wives… ex-husbands, YUCK!! Who wants this??? It is not my plan; it is not my fairytale! I do not want to be alone like this. I have always been one who enjoys a little time to myself, but when it is my choice… not when it is forced upon me.
My heart aches tonight, maybe because I miss my son, maybe because I realize that I will be alone for a long time to come? Maybe I am frightened what will take place in the hearts and minds of my children over the next three months? Maybe because I feel overwhelmed by the fact that even though my ex has not helped support this sweet family… he still has rights to them?

You know, there are days I feel like a tower of strength, that I know God is God and will see me through. Today is not one of those days. Today I feel alone, very alone. And a visit, a phone call, a card… nothing will help. It is the reality of where my life has ended up today and the not knowing of what might begin tomorrow.

Tears of joy
Tears of pain
Tears full of passion
Tears from a lonely stage
Tears of brokeness and shame
Tears from a holy place
My tears come in many shades

posted by melody 8:10:00 PM

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